If OCD, then Faith

So one way some people with OCD including me deal with doubt is by testing themselves.  This is not only a waste of time, but it doesn't help.  I, finally, through the grace of God figured out when I was testing myself and how I tested myself. What I learned is testing yourself doesn't help you figure out that your doubt was wrong, because if I believed that I wouldn't do it again.  Yet I have tested myself again for the same thing. It also doesn't really make you feel better, but actually makes you feel anxious in the what if experience.  The best advice I have is to get going with what you deep down believe is right and let go of the doubt, if you can.  What works for me when I feel I can't, is using the bible verse: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  And then it is easier to let the doubt and worries go.  I am done with testing myself! I can stop testing myself through Christ who strengthens me!

So, I have used God's word before when I have an OCD thought, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  However, what worked better was the Lord says and then insert the bible verse.  I don't know why that worked better, but it seemed to.

Another thing that worked okay today, was accepting sufferring. Like, accepting the sufferring from this disease instead of fighting it. It worked in the earlier part of the day, but then OCD found a loop hole and tried to say you are going to get bitter if you accept sufferring or some crap like that.  

Although I do not like accepting sufferring, it is something that I have to live with everyday.  So, I guess that best strategy is to be okay with it. 

Thank you Lord for your word, as the Lord says: his compassions are new every morning.

Yesterday I had a meeting with the OCD therapist, and he wants me to do exercises where I think of a word I don't like and I experience all the emotions that go with it.  He wants me to do it twice a day.  This is so that I get used to that feeling, so I can go on with my life without the thoughts taking away from my life.  So far I have experiencing the suckiness of doubt, fear, anger, confusion, etc. But I am trying not to put meaning into it, but rather just experiencing what it is without judgment. Or I am trying to do that.

Blessedly, I experienced wonderfulness with my family.  It was so awesome, I haven't experienced that in a long time.  I am so grateful.  I then also experienced love for my children, which is what I truly want, even if OCD says I don't. 

I have hope in the Lord, and hope that I can live free from judgment and just live.

A

Today I experienced anger at my disruptive thoughts because they were happening one after another. My husband tried to explain to me that I need not be angry at the thoughts, that I need not to have any emotional connection.  But, that is the difficult part, not to get angry at them.  I think I am dissapointed in myself because I am weaker than I want to be.  I want to be strong, to not be moved when a disruptive thought comes, but I find myself at times doubting, and that does not help me have faith in myself. So I had to forgive myself.  I still love myself even though I am not as strong as I want to be.  I did experience love for my kids and I truly enjoyed that, so thank you Lord.  I also had a wonderful time cleaning my daughter's room with her.  It was fun.  I had sweet moments with my son too. I think he is going to be a singer because he loves to sing (He has a good voice too).

Love you Lord and life,

A

Today mostly has been good.  There were some intense moments, but most of the day was blessed.  I wrote a song today. It was about God's love.  I realized doubt is truly my enemy.  I hate it! Everytime I doubt I feel guilt because I doubted, and then I worry about it.  It is a yucky sucky cycle.  I did have fun with J at the park.  He did so well.  He is behaving now, not hitting, and listenning to his mom and dad. I am so proud of him! What a wonderful little boy! Thank you Jesus!

Happy Day today!  Thank Jesus, because yesterday did not go so well. I still had my OCD with my children and dog, but it was better.  I played with Brinsley and Jeremiah and that was wonderful. The glory goes to God for all that was well today!  Thank you Lord for helping me!

This Sunday I asked the elders of the church to place oil on me and pray for me. I asked for prayers for my daughter too. I was so thankful to the church for doing this for us.  So did it cure me?

Well, I still have my OCD.  But, the good news is that at times I am getting used to the thoughts so they are not as scary.  And one thing that I learned helped me a lot....why let one bad moment ruin your day, and feelings and thoughts aren't who you are. Those two ideas have really helped me.

I am working more these days which is good for me.  It keeps my mind on the task at hand.  Anyway, I am thankful for the Lord, his peace, and his kindness!

A

Although my OCD was present, it wasn't as powerful today and that makes me very happy.  I still played with my kids even though I had disruptive thoughts about harm.  I am grateful that I continued playing with them.  I had wonderful blessings from the Lord today. I experienced love, peace, kindness, and mercy. Thank you, Jesus.  

Yesterday I hit my lowest.  I felt what my thoughts said and that made me extremely sad and angry and bitter.  I can't understand why my Heavenly Father would allow me to suffer, when I know he has the power to keep me healthy. However, as my psychologist said, in a way, why let a thought or feeling that lasts a minute or two get you down for the entire day. 

Today was a blessing though.  I talked to my psychologist and he wants me to say "hit" outloud so that I realize that just because you say it doesn't mean it could come true. I think I compulsed less today, which makes me very grateful.  I did receive gifts of the Holy Spirit today, so that was wonderful.  

My mission is to not compulse as much and not give the thoughts any more thought.  

Thank you, Lord for today! 

Although I had a better day yesterday and the day before, I still did have some good moments.  What made the day hard was all the disruptive thoughts I had about my dog and my children.  I just couldn't get a break. Again I just want to love my kids and feel the love I have for them.  Instead I experience doubt and worry, and a little anger for having to deal with this.  I had another if then statement: If you think the opposite of the thought then you believe the original thought.  Such a lie.  It would be such a miracle if I didn't worry in a day, or even in an hour.  

There were positive moments, like making cookies with my kids.  They enjoyed touching the cookie dough.  And one time I experienced the love I have for them.  That was wonderful.  I also didn't feel hate when my thoughts said awful things regarding hate.  So that was blessing. I have to remember I am loved and that I don't have to feel love to love my kids.  

I hope tomorrow is a better day.  I hope I have love and goodness that spills all over the people that I interact with! Love you Lord!